my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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