He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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