you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
