grandma shit on top of the toilet
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
