I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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