just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Just invented taco cereal.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
