What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
