I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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