Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
