I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You need Xanax blowdarts
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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