I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
