god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
