Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
