You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
