Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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