I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
