i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize