Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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