for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize