He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
