I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
