Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Randomize
