Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
