i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
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