Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
