I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
