So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize