Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Randomize
