and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I love you.
Bad choice
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
