the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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