i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
