It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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