Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
