her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
i drank out of a bidet.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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