just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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