I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
