And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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