My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
