Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
