I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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