last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
