If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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