don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
