id be glad to
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
