There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
