His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
