I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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