I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
