I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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