So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
