sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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