Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
