my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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