I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
