I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
