I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
