Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
