I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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