I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
