I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
