Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
