Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
