well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
