So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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