Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
