I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
