Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Bring me that man meat
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
